This is something I have not shared on the blog before and it is something that not to many people know but it is something that still crosses my mind every single time February 24th rolls around. It marks the day that I went to the doctor and I was told that the 3rd baby we were pregnant with had passed away. Now before I continue let me just say that had it not happened our youngest Alyssa would not be with us because I was due after we got pregnant with her and she is such a joy in our life and our lives would not be the same with out her but that doesn’t make the pain that we felt when we lost our third pregnancy disappear. It is also a big part of why I believe that everything (no matter how bad) happens for a reason.
We had been trying since our son (our middle child) was 2 years old to get pregnant, we had no issues conceiving before and so we assumed that the next time around would be easy just like the other 2 were, but this time was different. I had my IUD removed September 2008 and we started trying right away. It seemed like for ever and it included many ovulation tests and pregnancy tests before we got the lines saying “your pregnant” however there was a lot more with this pregnancy that was not “normal”. I had gone to the doctor in January 2009 because I was in horrible pain, and it was that time of the month and things were just not feeling right, they ran a pregnancy test and I was told it came back negative.
Because we had been trying for almost 7 months with no success I had an appointment already scheduled with my OB to discuss why we had not gotten pregnant yet and what our next path would be if it did not happen soon. That appointment was 3 weeks after my appointment with my primary care doctor who ran the first pregnancy test, but the OB wanted to check things out and sent me to have an ultrasound. That day was February 21, 2009 and things were about to get crazy and emotional and many questions were about to be answered. The next day February 22, 2009 sucked, there is no other word to use then that because it was a giant waiting game until the next day when I would find out the results of the test.
The phone call that came the morning of February 23rd was crushing, they called and told me that I was pregnant, which should have been an exciting phone call, but that my numbers were really low and that they needed to run tests. With all of the past events I knew deep down that something was wrong but I had to wait. They told me I needed to come in the next day to be seen and if I felt any pain to go to the ER. We ended up at the ER that night and the ultrasound tech was not there but they told me everything looked ok and my cervix was closed and that I needed to rest and just wait for my appointment the next day.
February 24th, I remember that appointment, it is still clear in my mind. The doctor called me that morning and said I needed to get there as soon as I could(my original appointment was at 2pm). I walked into the office and they took me right back and once they started the ultrasound, they turned the screen so I could not see it and the look on the tech’s face gave it away when she told me I needed to wait and my doctor would be in to talk to me in a few minutes. Those minutes seemed like hours until the doctor came in and he told me that by the measurements I was 8 weeks along but there was no heartbeat.
The rest of that day is a blur, I remember being a mess and knowing that all there was for me to do was wait it out and let nature take its course (I opted to wait and see what happened instead of having a D&C). The hardest day was February 26 when the miscarriage actually happened (I will spare you all those details) and the next week was filled with trips to the doctor to watch my levels to make sure everything was going “ok”.
While the loss was hard and while it all only last a short time (from finding out that I was indeed pregnant and that it was missed and then losing the baby) it was hard and when I think about it, it is still emotional for me. One of the hardest thing is that we have nothing physical to remember with, there are no ultrasound pictures (they would not give me one even though I asked), I know a picture wouldn’t change things but it would put a “face” to the baby and at times I think being able to look and see the physical would help with emotional pain that sometimes sneaks up on me.
But with the loss and the emotions of this time in our lives, I have to remember that had this not had happened I would not have my Alyssa with us now and I wouldn’t want to change anything that we have in our life now. But I will always have our little “jelly bean” in my heart.
Have you had a miscarriage or lost an infant? Feel free if you are comfortable talking about it to leave it in the comments. My thoughts are with anyone who has suffered a loss.