Lately in my facebook feed I have been seeing pictures of the “right way” to be married and it is not just coming from one point of view many points of views. However it is not those images that sparked this post, it was a comment as to how I was being a wife the “wrong way”.
This one image came across my feed from a friend of mine, (who I will say I love dearly and she and I both have different views on what a wife does and we respect one another’s choices as to what we do as wives) caused quite a bit of comments on her page about doing things for your husband.
I am the complete opposite as this picture states, I got married because I wanted a partner not because I wanted a “man child” and I fully expect hubby to have equal responsibility when it comes to him taking care of the kids, house work and our family life in general. Even when I was a stay at home mom (verses work at home mom now, or when I was in school) I fully expected him to do his fair share of housework when he got home from work. Now I know that some people would say that is an awful thing for me to do as a wife since he was working during the day and I was at home, but for us my being home with the kids was my contribution to our family just as his going to work was his contribution and so when we were both at home we were both responsible for things like house work and ourselves. Neither one of us expects the other to make a plate for the other person (which I have a few friends who do this for their hubby’s) or pack the other ones suitcase when they go on a trip or make sure the other one has a lunch made for when they go to work the next day(I do pack his lunch sometimes as a nice gesture but if I don’t make his lunch then he does 1 of 2 things, packs it himself or doesn’t eat lunch). To be completely honest I could not handle having a “man child” who needed me to take care of him, I have 3 kids (and even when I only had 1) it would have driven me crazy. Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy doing nice things for hubby but making him a dinner plate, or cleaning up his messes are not included on that list.
With that being said he has never been the one in charge of meals, he can grill but that is the cut off there, and it is not because he doesn’t want to or because it is my “job” to cook, it is solely because that is not a strong point of his (said as nicely as possible). Hubby and I both do laundry, clean bathrooms, clean up from dinner ect. but there are things that are “ours” like vacuuming, I have been forbidden to touch the vacuum (because in his words “I don’t do it right”, which I can not argue with when I vacuum I just go for it and suck whatever is on the floor up and then it ends up in a big mess because the vacuum has to be taken apart), I also don’t take out the trash (its gross lol and the trash man comes before I am up so he takes it to the curb on his way out the door for work), and he does not go shopping for the kids clothing(he has tried and that is just not a pretty picture). Each of us has our strong points and skills that we bring to the marriage and neither one of us expects the other to cater to them we both feel we are partners in the marriage.
I have friends who are willing to make their husbands a plate each night, and pack their bags if they go on a trip or do all the housework and if that is how they want to do things that is fine with me. I have nothing against wives who do that, in fact more power to them for being able to do it because that is not something that I could do and hubby knew that before we got married.
Then there is this picture that is floating around…
While it does give me a good chuckle, and there are times that this could define my house it is not always that way and there are times that this sign would say the “other is my wife”. It also makes me think of back when hubby was active duty, there were 2 things he just couldn’t do (no dis on him you can ask him yourself) shine boots (which in tech school he went to a boot shining place) and iron his uniform (in tech school he took it to the dry cleaners) and so we made a trade off I did those things for him and in exchange he did whatever needed to be done that I wanted done (and that included things like cutting my coupons for me which is one of his least favorite things to do). It was no secret at his work that I was the one who did his boots and his uniform and the one day he got me mad and I told him to do them himself and he came home from work the next day and told me about what was said at work, he said one of his buddies said “We can tell you did something to make your wife mad and you had to do your boots yourself”, (yes there was that big of a difference in when he did them and when I did them). That day is still something that we both joke about because boot shining was one of my “right things” just as vacuuming is one of his.
The pictures floating around also cause a bit of chatter among us and I asked him if he would enjoy being catered to and all day long the other day he kept up an act that he would love that (which I told him there was no way that was happening) and then that evening he told me he was joking and seeing how he could get under my skin with it. He stated himself that he would not want that, and while other men might he was happy to be a grown man who can do things for himself.
On another side of the coin, I see a lot of the “every wife wants you to cuddle her all the time” pictures floating around too, while affection is great that whole cuddle me 24/7 thing just is not my cup of tea. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some quiet time sitting on the couch watching a movie together, or a nice dinner with just the 2 of us after the kids go to bed but I don’t need to be hoovered over all day long.
Just because something works for me, or something works for you in your house or your neighbor in their house, just like There is No Manual for being a Parent, there is no manual for being a wife(or a husband for that matter). With all the different types of relationships and who does what for whom and if there is a “right” way to be a wife causes an uproar and an over abundance of drama. There is no “right way” to be a wife other then doing what works for your household and be proud of the relationship that you have with your spouse, it is your relationship no one else’s
I know this is a bit of rambling but I am sure I am not alone in hearing that I am not preforming my wifely duties the right way whether you are a wife like me or a wife like my friend but either way the important thing to remember is that a marriage works differently for each marriage 🙂